Leo's Birth Story

Leo Andrew turned 2 months old 3 days ago, and I am just now feeling like I am able to begin to gather my thoughts and put his birth story into writing. Leo's birth was beautiful, traumatic and one of the best but also absolute worst days of my life. Everything that happened on January 24, 2017 and the days following that are days that I will never forget, but also sometimes wish I could forget. But nonetheless, everything that has happened is just the beginning to Leo's story - and everything that Leo touches turns to pure gold in my opinion (but I might be biased). Because I want to remember every intense feeling I felt during the days before Leo was born, during his birth, and after his birth - this could be a very long post, but here goes nothin'.

In case anyone missed it, once I got to the 9 month mark of pregnancy - I was huge. Like, no one could look away or not say something about how ginormous my belly was. I constantly looked (and felt) like I was smuggling a giant beach ball in my shirt. So once I got to be 37 weeks, I began slowly starting every old wives tale there ever was about trying to get that baby out as soon as possible. Everyday I would drink raspberry leaf tea, bounce on my ball, go mall walking or walk around the park (I mean, it was more of a waddle but - I did it). And everyday I would wake up, you guessed it, still pregnant. 

At my 37 week appointment my doctor, Dr. Graber, informed me that he had booked a ski trip for the weekend of my actual due date - January 28th. I could not even fathom the idea of having any other doctor deliver me (Dr. Graber is an absolute angel) so we decided that to ensure he would be the one getting this baby out of me, we would schedule an induction date for January 24th. Even after having an induction date, I still wanted to do everything possible to make Leo come "on his own" but, of course, my strong willed baby decided the induction date would work best for his schedule.

Finally January 23rd rolled around, and it felt like Christmas Eve! My whole family came to town, Grandma, Grandpa, Mom, Dad, my sister Alex - it was just the best. I went shopping with my Mom during the day, got a few last minute cleaning chores done, and made sure my hospital bag was packed with any outfit change I could ever possibly need (and same for Leo). My family and I ate burgers and shakes from Bogeys (which I ate almost every day for the last month of pregnancy - oops) and then we loaded the car up! Andy and I had to be at the hospital at 8 that night to get all checked in and to slowly begin the induction process. There is nothing weirder than leaving your house and driving to the hospital to just go have a baby - like its just another normal Monday or something. We hugged my parents goodbye, got into the car, realized the gas tank was on empty - and drove to the hospital anyways. 

Once we got to the hospital and began monitoring baby Leo, we saw that I was actually having pretty consistent contractions 5-7 minutes apart already. I had been feeling what felt like Leo moving his head side to side in my pelvis for a few days, turns out - those were contractions. Who knew! We basically just hung out through the night, tried to get some sleep (but I had to pee every 10 minutes, classic) and waited to start pitocin in the early morning. By the time 5 or 6 AM came around I was really feeling those contractions, and when offered to get the epidural or wait another few hours, I opted for the epidural. I salute all you Mama's out there that go for the all natural thing, but that just ain't for me y'all. 

Finally, it was due day and I had my epidural and I was feelin' good! My whole family - plus Andy's sister Erin came up and we all just hung out. It was a great morning, and again just a super weird feeling that I was about to actually birth a baby. Around 10 AM I decided to go ahead and redo my makeup - you know, the important stuff. But I still thought I definitely had a long ways to go till I was going to see Leo. Around 11 my nurse, Sarah (the most amazing nurse ever - more on her later) came in to check me (with all of my family still in the room, because at this point does modesty really matter?) and said to me "take a wild guess at what you are dilated to," I think I responded with 5 or 6. Joke was on me, I was fully dilated and it was go time. My immediate reaction - pure panic. It was like someone had just sprung on me that I was going to have a baby today. I cried and thought I surely was no where near ready to do this whole labor thing, but that baby had to come out one way or another.

 Labor

Right around 11 the whole room went from a family hang out to an actual hospital room, filled with tools (eek) and blue scrubs. Dr. Graber came walking in and that is when everything became real. In the room I had Andy, my sister Kristin, and my sister-in-law Erin. Other than that it was just my nurse Sarah, and Dr. Graber (and maybe a few random nurses in the back, sorry I never caught your name ya'll). I had made a labor playlist at 10 AM, thinking I would have longer to add more songs on it, so the playlist only had 4 songs. We hit play, and it was go time!

The main thing I remember from labor is, repeatedly asking Dr. Graber "are we close" every 2 minutes like an antsy toddler on a road trip. I had Andy and Erin holding me up in a sit-up position, Kristin was down towards my legs being basically the best motivator of all time, and then nurse Sarah at my other leg - who I had never met before but was holding her hand of all the people in the room.

Finally, after what felt like forever, but was really around an hour and a half, I felt the biggest release of pressure and all of the sudden there was my boy! He came out with the cord around his neck (just like his Mama did) but came out screaming nonetheless. They laid him on my chest and I just immediately started sobbing. It is a pretty unreal feeling to feel your baby's skin on your own for the first time. I just was in awe, staring at his face trying to see every little feature and soak it all in. He was beautiful, a little alien-ish looking, but beautiful. His eyes were wide open, and he had these perfect baby lips that I just could not stop kissing. It was perfect. Everything hurt, but it was just perfect. 

Post- Labor in Salina

This is where things took a turn, my heart is aching already just thinking about everything that happened after Leo was born. The hour after he was born was perfect. Everyone came in to meet him, I finally got to eat ( I was STARVING) and my baby boy was happy as could be just laying on his Mama's chest. It was the best and happiest hour of my life.

Then the pediatrician came in. They had to do a standard checkup on Leo, and even though I of course did not want to hand my baby to anyone, I had no concerns. He was so bright eyed and alert and just seemed so perfect. 

I heard the doctor make some sort of comment about not being able to do the rectal temperature. That it looked like the thermometer was not going to fit. Im not sure why, but I didn't panic when I heard that. This is naive, but I thought that surely they could just push it through and it was no big deal. This is the point where things just went crazy and I just wasn't ready for it. All of the sudden there was a swarm of nurses and doctors in the room and my sister, a nurse, Kristin was crying. They gave my baby back to me for a few minutes but told me he would need to go to the NICU, and thats where I just blacked out. No, they can't take my baby. Thats all I could think. Immediately, my sister called my pediatrician, and friend Abbey Rupe and she came rushing over. I'll never be able to repay her for dropping everything and coming to be by my side in that moment. She just sat next to me while I cried holding Leo and I remember it giving me some sort of comfort.

They took Leo from me, and I immediately told Andy he had to go with him and I would be out of bed as soon as I could. At this point I went into survival mode and knew I would do anything it took to get to my baby, the thought of him not being with me was too much to handle. My nurse, Sarah helped me to feel ready and get out of bed as soon as I could. Sarah was my many angels through all of this and is another person I feel like I will never be able to repay for how much she helped me. 

I finally got to the NICU, and saw my baby with IV's in his tiny arms and so many cords connected to him and I think my mind just completely shut down. It was too much heartache for my body to handle after going through an event like labor. The only things I remember from being in the NICU at Salina is feeling more helpless than I have ever felt. There really isn't a word for what I felt. I sat in a wheelchair, 2 hours after having a baby, with a random nurse rubbing me trying to get my milk to come down so I could start providing for him, staring at my baby in a plastic box, thinking this all had to be a dream. I remember looking at my sister Kristin and asking her, "is my baby going to die?" because I just had no idea what was happening. Im not sure if I will ever get over the feeling I felt of having to ask that question. Looking back now, that was not going to happen but in the moment, I just had no idea what was happening and thought that was a genuine concern. Things went from the best day of my life to the scariest.

After an hour or two in the NICU in Salina, and still feeling like I had no answers as to what was happening, what was going to happen, and getting multiple things thrown at me that they thought was wrong with him, they decided to transfer us down to Wesley in Wichita. At this point they told me that my baby had skin tags on his ears, a heart murmur and an imperforate anus - or skin over where the anus was supposed to be. I had no idea what this all meant, my life was flipped totally upside down. All I knew was that I was going to Wichita with him, there was no way that my baby was leaving the hospital, let alone town without me. I am so thankful to Dr. Graber for allowing me to leave and be with him, even though I'm pretty sure he knew no matter what he said I was going to leave that hospital with or without his consent - that Mama bear instinct kicked in pretty hard. Sarah, who as I said before was just a god send, helped me to get ready to get in a car for an hour and a half long roadtrip just 2 hours after pushing a baby out. She showered me, she put my diaper on, and she encouraged me the entire time. Im thankful for everyone that was there during these hours, but I truly feel like I could not have done it without Sarah. She calmed me down and kept reminding me to stay faithful and to take things one step at a time. Sarah is my angel and I just can't say thank you enough to her for everything she did. 

The transfer team from Wesley finally arrived in Salina and I sat in a wheelchair as I watched them load my tiny baby into a giant ambulance. I don't think you realize just how tiny a newborn is until you see them in a giant ambulance. My Mom drove, and I sat in the passenger seat watching the back doors of an ambulance that held my hours old son and my husband in the front seat. The whole time it just felt like a nightmare that I could not wake up from. It was the longest drive down to Wichita from Salina in my entire life. 

Wesley

We got to Wesley and I again, sent Andy to stay with Leo. Luckily, my sister Kristin has great connections at Wesley and was able to get me admitted for postpartum stay, but we had to go through the emergency room. I kissed Andy goodbye and told him to kiss my baby for me and my Mom pushed me to the emergency check-in. Once we got there, we had to wait for a room from about 45 minutes to an hour, which can I just say - sitting in a wheelchair in a waiting room full of people a few hours after birth, is just not comfortable. I was bleeding, sore, exhausted, and had this big empty belly and empty heart being away from my baby. Finally, we got admitted and got up to my room and I immediately wanted to go be with Leo in the NICU. 

I finally got to hold him once I got to the Wesley NICU and it was like heaven on earth. I wanted time to just stop forever and let it just be me and my baby and my husband for forever. I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. Once we got to Wesley, we finally began to get more answers and get a plan worked out on how to get us out of this hospital and get my baby healthy. 

After a bunch of testing, and hours of me wondering "what if" or thinking of the worst. We found out that Leo did in fact have an imperforate anus, but every other organ and part of his body was completely functional and totally healthy. His heart murmur had gone away by the time we got to Wesley, and upon more doctors looking at him - they realized that what they originally believed to be skin tags on his ears were actually just a case of genetics, he had his Daddy's ears! This was such a relief. I found out that it is pretty common for many other defects to go along with a imperforate anus, so that is why they were being so thorough about any other potential issues. 

On Wednesday, we met with his surgeon, Dr. Molik and she completely calmed our brains and hearts (as much as they could be calmed in this situation). She told us she would be doing a surgery to essentially just open up his anus to create a hole, but that everything else was completely intact. We could be in and out of the hospital within a few days. It was wonderful to hear that Leo's case was really best case scenario, but incredibly terrifying to hear that your tiny, 24 hour old baby was going in for surgery. 

Walking down the hallway pushing our baby to the operating room was one of the most surreal moments of both mine, and Andy's life. We both said later that it just felt like a movie or a TV show, it didn't feel like our life. I kissed my sweet baby goodbye and put all of my trust in Dr. Molik and God. And I prayed, harder than I have ever prayed before. 

We got a call about an hour and half into the surgery from the nurse, Vicki (we love Vicki) saying the surgery was going well, but it was taking awhile because Dr. Molik was having to clean out so much meconium (esentially, poo) from his little belly. Andy and I chuckled a little bit upon hearing that, because well, if you know Andy then you know - Leo was clearly Andy's boy. Finally, Dr. Molik finished and came up to our room to tell us that everything went well and that our boy was out of surgery and resting back in the NICU. What an answered prayer. Our boy was out of surgery and everything was going to be okay. Andy and I slept (for 2 hours) just a little more soundly that night. 

Finally we were able to go see our boy after surgery, and I don't think I had fully prepared myself for how hard it was going to be to see a machine breathing for Leo. My heart was shattered. He kept trying to cry, but no noise would come out - I don't think I will ever be able to forget that sight or that feeling I felt watching that. All I could do was hold his hand, and sit next to him and pray (well that and pump my life away). 

Post Surgery

After surgery on January 25th, things began to look up. Although, like other NICU Mama's know, sometimes you have to take 2 steps forwards and 3 steps back before you feel like any progress is being made. I got discharged from the hospital on January 26th and had to leave my baby at the hospital while Andy and I checked in at the hotel across the street. We could literally see the hospital from our window, but driving away from the hospital babyless is another pain that I don't think I will ever forget. It was heart wrenching to think about leaving my baby behind. But luckily, we had all of the very best nurses watching over him, and that was so comforting. Of all of the nurses, I'm pretty sure Leo's Auntie Erin was his favorite. It gave me such a huge sense of relief to know that Erin could watch over him while we were in the hotel over night, I just kept telling myself he was having a sleepover with Auntie Erin and that helped my heart. Erin is another one of my angels through this whole experience - she was our rock and we love her for everything she did for us. 

I think any parent who has ever had a baby in the NICU is somehow connected. Its such a unique and terrifying experience for anyone who has a baby in the NICU, no matter how long their stay is. Every day we would scrub in, walk through the doors and enter a land of fellow Mom zombies, walking (or being pushed) around with their big but deflated bellies. Everyone had the same look of exhaustion on their face as we did. We were all just surviving. Every time I saw another parent in there, I couldn't help but just give them the same look that everyone was giving us. We all just want out. We all just want to hold our babies. Looking around at all of the teeny tiny babies (baby Leo was ginormous in there) every day can really get your mind and heart into a dark place. It just seems so unfair that so many babies have such a rough start to their lives. I couldn't help but feel grateful that we could hold our baby, and touch our baby and that hopefully we would be breaking out of the NICU doors so much sooner than so many of those parents and babies would be. I still think and pray about some of those babies and parents we saw every day that are surely still spending all of their days watching their tiny babies grow. 

We spent 2 nights away from our baby. We would go back to the hotel around midnight or 1 and Andy would put together slideshows of Leo for me to watch while I tried to pump and get any tiny amount of colostrum to do oral care for Leo. We usually would just sit in bed and cry and cry and cry.  My heart would ache all night and I would make Andy call the nurses repeatedly throughout the night to find out how he was doing. It was again, just a completely helpless feeling. 

We were planning on getting to go to family care on Friday and spend our first night with him in our own room. But during one of those many middle of the night calls I made Andy make, we found out early Friday morning that he was throwing up and they wanted to keep him in the NICU just one more day/night. I knew it was just one more day, but at the time it felt like eternity. I was so discouraged, and felt like we were never going to get to be parents to our baby. That day was full of heartache, but also so many strides forward. I got to actually breastfeed Leo, which was one of the coolest experiences ever (and still is!). Leo got changed into a big boy crib without all of the cords and heat lamp and we were on our way to getting to go to family care the next day. 

Finally on Saturday we got moved to our own room. We got to spend the whole day with just our baby (and the occasional nurse checking in on us). It was terrifying! I couldn't believe we had to actually take care of this baby. And because of his surgery, and after seeing him with so many cords and wires hooked to him for the last few days, he felt even more fragile than most newborns. He had to have a catheter because of his surgery, and I was so terrified of pulling it or doing something wrong. I was even more terrified of changing his diaper and having to see his poor booty post surgery.  Im a little embarrassed to admit that I just couldn't handle changing his diaper and having to look at it because it just hurt me too much to see - so Andy changed his diaper for probably his first 2 weeks of life. We spent our first night with our baby on Saturday and it was the most exhausting, and best night ever. He slept for maybe 2 hours, but I was just so thankful to be getting to sleep in the same room as my baby that the exhaustion was hardly noticeable. I had my husband next to me, and our baby on my chest - life was so good. 

Finally on Sunday,  January 29 we got our dismissal papers and we were breaking out of the hospital - and bringing our baby with us. It was the best feeling in the whole world, looking in the rearview mirror and seeing the hospital, but looking next to me and seeing my baby in his carseat - right where he should be, with his Mama and Dad. 

Home

After we were dismissed we came "home" to my parents house. I wasn't quite ready to think about driving an hour and a half back home immediately, and Leo had an appointment in a few days to get his catheter out and to get his circumcision done in Wichita with his surgeon so we opted to stay in Wichita for a few days. Besides, my parents house is basically like a resort. My Mom of course took such good care of us and made things so much easier. I'm going to do thank you's at the end of this for all of the people who made this so much easier - and of course my Mom is one of those people. She's perfect, that is really all I can say about that. 

It has been two months since Leo was born and now things are as normal as they can be. Other than having to dilate his anus twice a day (essentially like taking a rectal temperature, he rarely even notices when we do it) and going to see his surgeon every few weeks - we are just dealing with normal baby stuff! He's a perfect, healthy baby boy who loves his milk and is growing at the perfect curve. He's happy and sweet and just a slice of heaven. His surgery has healed, and everything we went through is now slowly beginning to turn into a memory. I have had a pretty hard time dealing with my anxiety that comes along with being a new Mom mixed with the anxiety of remembering everything that Leo went through. Usually, his poops are my trigger (kinda gross, I know). But any time there is a change in his poop, my chest gets tight and I start to feel like I can't breathe. I convince myself that something is wrong either with his surgery recovery or with his digestive system and it turns into a slippery slope. I'm slowly dealing with that anxiety as time passes and as he continues to pass every check up with his pediatrician and with his surgeon with flying colors. 

I am so thankful to God that I get to watch my baby grow. Every night of no sleep, every day that is full of fussiness and me getting absolutely nothing done, and especially every big diaper blow out - is all just such a blessing to me. I try not to take one single second with Leo for granted. I think about how much worse things could have been for him and I thank God that he protected him and my family. I can't believe there was ever life before Leo. He is my everything and I love him with every fiber of my being. Sometimes it's hard to believe that we actually went through everything we did. I think everyone has this idea in their head of what their birth story will look like, and when something goes wrong its just life shattering. But I've come to realize now that all of this is just part of Leo's story. Just the beginning of what I believe to be a pretty amazing story. Leo came roaring into our lives and I don't think he has any sort of intention of slowing down. We have our hands full with this sweet, chunky boy - and I just couldn't be happier. I am so thankful that Leo's first week of life is in the past, and that I am able to look back on it now without feeling like I'm going to pass out. It's true, time really does heal all. 

Thank you

There are sooo many people who deserve so much more than a thank you for me for what they did for my baby and my family during that week of January. All of my family, friends, nurses, doctors - they all were my angels and I don't think I could have survived without them. It takes a village.

Kristin- I'm not really sure how to begin thanking you for everything you did and continue to do for Leo and I. You were there for me through 9 months of texting you insane questions about whats normal in pregnancy. You encouraged and motivated me during labor. Stayed the night with me the night before. Hugged me and held my hand and told me everything was going to be okay through all of Leo's story. You were my rock. You are still my rock and are my very best friend. Leo loves you and your babies just as much as I love you and your babies, and we are so thankful we live 5 minutes away from you. We love you. 

Erin- Thank you for driving up to Salina at 6 AM to be by my side during labor. Thank you for holding me up during Leo's birth both physically and mentally. You made everything so much easier to endure during our NICU stay and we are eternally thankful to you for setting us up with the A-Team in the NICU. You calmed us during the craziest storm of our lives and I can't thank you enough for that. We love you.

Sarah- When you first walked into my room in the morning, I had no idea how much of a difference you would make in making labor and everything after labor so much more bearable. Thank you for holding my hand during labor, and thank you for holding my hand after. You were my angel in the darkest moments of my life, and I don't think I would have had the strength I did if you weren't by my side helping me the whole way. I think about you every day and am so thankful to God that he chose you as my nurse. You are the greatest and I hope you know that.

Abbey Rupe -  Thank you for dropping everything and coming to be by my side as soon as we heard the news about Leo. Just you being in the room gave me such a sense of calmness and feeling like things were going to be okay. Every day I am so happy that you are his doctor and am so thankful for you always responding to my crazy messages. We are so lucky to know you and to have you in our lives. We love you dearly. 

Dr. Graber-  You dealt with my craziness being pregnant, my annoying "are we there yet" mentality during labor, and you held me when we found out the news about Leo. You are much more than just our OBGYN to our family and we are eternally grateful for all you did for me, and for Leo. Thank you for everything.

Mom and Dad - Mom, thank you for rushing back to the hospital to hold me as soon as we found out about Leo. Just seeing your face all week provided me with such a sense of calmness. Thank you for bringing me clothes to fit my weird postpartum body, for showering me, for coming and staying with us for 2 weeks after Leo, and for just saving the day every day. You are the best Gee, and Leo and I love you so much. Dad, thank you for being strong for me. Thank you for all of the time you spent with us in the hospital. Thank you for bringing me a big bouquet of flowers to brighten up our dingy hospital room. And thank you for loving Leo the way you do - he's going to totally freak when he gets a little bit older and realizes how cool his gamp's is. We love you. 

Papa D- Thank you for driving up to Salina the moment Leo was born, only to realize we were coming to you! Thank you for coming to visit our sweet boy so much, and for always being the perfect amount of positive all of the time. We love you.

Gramma Jo- Thank you for making the trip to come be with us after Leo was born. I loved getting to watch you hold him and be with him. I am so thankful you were there during those few days. And of course, thank you for making my absolute favorite potato soup! Your comfort food is a life saver. We love you and we miss you. 

Andy - I don't think I will every be able to think of words that really capture how thankful I am for you. Throughout everything you were my rock. You stayed strong for our family and never left our baby boy's side. During everything, I know you were just as equally terrified as me but you never let know it. You did everything for our baby boy when I just couldn't. Thank you for changing my diapers, for holding me when I collapse in anxiety and fear, for making slideshows of Leo every night so I could produce more milk, for learning all of the in's and out's of the NICU and knowing how to care perfectly for our son, for telling me I was beautiful even though I had a giant empty belly and a swollen face, for playing reggae music for Leo in the NICU to calm him down, and for holding me through everything. Just one look at you and I knew we were going to make it through this storm. You hold our family together. Thank you for loving me the way you do. Thank you for loving Leo the way you do. We couldn't survive without you, and we just wouldn't want to. You will never know how much you mean to me, and how much more I fell in love with you during those days in the hospital. You will never know how much I love you, but I plan on spending every day of the rest of my life trying to show you. Leo loves you more than anything in the whole world, and so do I. 

Thank you to all of our visitors who came during our stay and after our stay. To Tammy, Vicki, Mina and Natalie - our wonderful NICU dream team, you made us so comfortable in uncomfortable circumstances, thank you for taking such good care of my baby. To Rik and Carol for all of the prayers and visits. The Smith's, for coming to visit in the NICU. To Uncle Dalton for videoing the birth, and for all of the visits during our hospital stay and after - we love you. To my sisters Danielle and Alex - I love you both more than anything and couldn't have done this without your support even when you weren't there, my grandparents - thank you for traveling hours to be with us, our aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, family - everyone who was praying for us, we felt it. We love you all more than you could ever imagine. 

And finally - words for my baby. To my Leo, you will never know how much I love you. You have changed me in ways that I never knew were possible. I could spend all of my life just watching you do simple things and thinking they are the most magnificent things of all time. When you are asleep, I miss you. When your Daddy is changing your diaper 2 feet away from me, I miss you. I do not ever want to be without you. Thank you for being such a strong boy during your first week of life and just continuing to get stronger as the days go by. I know it was probably pretty scary to have surgery and to have sleepovers in the NICU without Mommy and Daddy, but you were so brave the whole time and I'm so proud of you for that.  I wish I could put in to words just how happy you make me, but there are no words that can capture that feeling. I am so terrified of ever taking a single second with you for granted. You are so perfect to Mommy and you always will be. I love you Bubby, with all of me. I promise to give you everything I have for the rest of time and to never let you feel like you are alone. You are my heaven, sweet boy. 

I knew this post was going to be crazy long - so if you stuck with me this long, then thank you too! It feels good to finally sit down and get all of this story out - even though I know there are probably many parts or people I skipped over - and for that I apologize ahead of time.  I don't ever want to forget those moments, no matter how painful. And I especially don't ever want to forget all of the happiness and love I feel in my heart every day with my sweet squishy baby. The beginning to Leo's story was crazy that's for sure, but I have a feeling it is just going to keep getting better and better. Stay tuned!